League Larrikin is off-the-charts excited pondering the recently revealed premiership odds for the 2010 NRL season. It's always beneficial to weigh up each club's chances and betting value 12 months in advance before once again realising that it would be total punting suicide to actually make a wager this far in advance.
It's the National Rugby League, not the English Premier League. If you broke the legs of any team's three best players in Round One (not that you would do that deliberately, of course) then it is perfectly reasonable to suggest that that side might be in with a very good shot at the wooden spoon. Grand Finalists included.
Simply adding a Jarryd Hayne clone to the roster would see most club's premiership odds slashed in half. Such is the fickle nature of an NRL season.
In 2009 the Roosters and Sharks both began somewhere near the top line of betting based on the previous year's solid performances. You don't need me to tell you how that turned out. But I'll tell you anyway, becuase it amuses me: they came last and second last.
So according to the wise men of TAB Sportsbet, Centrebet, Betfair etc, the Parramatta Eels are the team to beat next year. That's right, the team that just got beaten are the new team to beat. And what of the team that beat them? Well they are the team tipped to get beaten.
Confused? Not half as confused as the Melbourne Storm, I'm guessing. Craig Belllamy and his boys must wonder what they have to do before people will admit that they're better than everybody else.
Here's a tip: no matter what happens at various points of the 26 round competition in 2010, the Melbourne Storm will be in the grand final. That's right, ignore their early form. Ignore their mid-season form. Ignore any losses. Ignore anything remotely resembling a stumbling block in their inevitable march to the big Sunday in October. They will be there.
If I were a bookmaker I'd install the Storm as $4 favourites right now, leave it exactly as it is, sit back and enjoy the season, and reassess next September. As a punter, if the Victorian team get out to anywhere near double figures at any stage, jump all over it.
My other tips are 1. Do not, under any circumstsances, ever consider even for a split second placing a bet on the St.George-Illawarra Dragons, and 2. Do not, under any circumstances, ever consider even for a split second placing a bet on the South Sydney Rabbitohs.
These sides will not win the premiership. Did you take that in? They will not win the premiership. Why not? Because that's just the way it is. And because the Storm will.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
NRL Finals Week 3 Guest Preview: HULK HOGAN
This week's special guest previewer is American actor and semi-retired professional wrestler HULK HOGAN.
Last week's writer KYLE SANDILANDS has been stood down after abusing League Larrikin for no apparent reason.
Bulldogs v Eels:
I gotta be honest with ya dudes, I don't really know much more about this rugby league than I do about knitting cardigans. Tell you the truth I don't even know the difference between a cardigan and a sweater.
But I do know one thing, and that's that either the Bulldogs or Eels are definitely going to win this game. I'm 99.9% sure of it. (I asked those guys on the Footy Show, but I'm not totally convinced they weren't pulling my leg. People often pull my leg - physically and figuratively - and I tend not to notice either.)
Anyway if I had to make a decision (which apparently I do) I'd go for Bulldogs because they got the better name. It's all about the name. And the moustache, that's pretty important too.
Storm v Broncos:
I'm going for the Brisbane Broncos. They probably won't win, but I'm going for them anyway since me and old TC (Tonie Carroll to the general non-famous public like yourselves) go waaaaaay back. Man, The Chin and I used to hang together back in the 50s before either of us hit the big time.
Tell ya what, he coulda been quite a wrestler that guy. He had everything going for him - the personality, the attitude, the biceps, the tights, the moustache... everything.
The tragedy was, he just couldn't settle on a stage name. He kept changing his mind. The fans never really identified with him, and if you don't got the fans you don't got nothin.
Well that's about it from me. I got about 150 more bull**** special guest cross-promotion gigs to get through talkin about stuff I don't understand with people I've never heard of. Like that Fatty Vautin. Damn that's an ordinary name.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
NRL Finals Week 2 Guest Preview: KYLE SANDILANDS
This week's special guest previewer is radio and TV personality (and giant goose) KYLE SANDILANDS.
Eels v Titans:
Oooh Jarryd Hayne, Jarryd Hayne, aren't you just so damn bloody amazing? NO. You're crap. So you've fluked about 12 man-of-the-match awards in a row - big deal! Anybody could do it if they got a bit lucky.
Have you seen some of the jokers to win Australian Idol? You're like them. The public love you but I can see the truth. The truth is that you are an insecure hack who will never make it in this industry. You can't play. You have the personality of a kicking tee. Your fashion sense is hilarious... blue and gold together, what are you thinking?
And you can't even sing or dance. Do you realise that compared to me you have absolutely no talent whatsoever? I am good at everything, including stuff you might not have guessed like the Rubik's Cube. I can't actually finish it, but I can get really close. Once I even had a whole side just one colour.
One day I think I might buy a footy team and get them to win the NRL premiership. I can totally afford it. They would be called the Kyle Sandilands and their team mascot would be my face. I wouldn't let Jarryd Hayne play for the Sandilands even if he begged me and offered to do it for free. Which he probably would.
I'm tipping an upset: Titans to win. Hayne will be the worst player on the field. I dare anyone to call my radio show and disagree with me. Unless I'm suspended. But don't call my house or come near my house or talk about my house, or I'll break your legs.
Broncos v Dragons:
You choking, fat, pathetic, jelly belly, talentless, overrated, embarrassing, ugly, annoying, scummy, wannabe Dragon losers! Yeah you heard me. You're a joke. My left nipple is mentally stronger than you lot of pretenders.
Seriously why do you even bother turning up to finals matches when you've got about as much chance of winning as I have of people liking me. Save us all the trouble and stay at home... wherever home is you lonely, nomadic, dirty, hippie drifters who can't even decide if you're from St.George or Illawarra. Which is it? That's just plain disrespectful to your childhood and your own mamas. You ***holes. Choke away you greedy fools.
Broncos by 50... at half-time. Somewhere between 120 and 170 by full-time. What do you have to say about that Darius Boyd? Yeah not much you childish little mute.
And Wayne Bennett is older than my great grandmother. Just plod along to an old person's home pops.
Anyway you're all lucky I'm in such a good mood today, otherwise I might've let loose and told you what I really think. I'm outta here. Get stuffed.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
NRL Finals Week 1 Guest Preview: MICHELLE THE ENGLISH HOUSEMATE
This week's special guest previewer is League Larrikin's English housemate Michelle, who has had no choice but to learn about and accept Rugby League into her heart this year as very little else is permitted on the household television.
Last week's writer SUPERMAN (score 6/8 tips) quit after the shock of not tipping the perfect round and went off sulking to the pub.
Storm v Sea Eagles:
I know a lot of people hate these two teams but I love them. I love Rugby League! I had never even seen a game until this year. To be honest I don't even care about sports. But somehow the NRL has become more important to me than a cup of tea or cheese and beans on toast. I'm serious.
I'm tipping a low scoring match. Storm to win.
Titans v Broncos:
So Lockyer is supposed to be one of the best players ever? Pffft. Honestly he looks older and slower than my grandpa. It must be difficult for him to play in the constantly roasting Queensland sun. Poor man. And the humidity seems to affect his vocal chords as well. I have to say that I pity him, really. I don't know much about Peter Wallace but I assume from the pale complexion and ginger hair that he's an English import?
Titans to win, but not just because they're better looking. Although to be fair they really are far, far better looking.
Bulldogs v Knights:
Brett Mikkorley is my favourite. He's so cute how he runs around all grumpy and animated on the field, then presents himself so immaculately on television. I'm going to see this match live and I'm truly devastated he won't be playing. Even his black, puffy eye is adorable.
Without little Mikkorley the only Dog with a chance of scoring is the Mad Dog!
Knights by 16. I can smell an upset... oh wait, perhaps it's just League Larrikin burning the potatoes again.
Dragons v Eels:
Re-match time! If there's one thing I've learnt about the NRL it's that you have to expect the unexpected. Apart from the referees - I always expect them to be rubbish and they are in fact always rubbish. In this match, though, anything could happen. The Dragons were too good for the Eels last week but that's about as significant as a speech by the Queen.
I expect Hayne and the Parra boys to fight back and win.
So in conclusion I believe the Broncos and Sea Eagles will be eliminated this weekend. Call me crazy, call me a Pom, call me a naive girl who doesn't know anything about Rugby League... call me whatever you like. But you just wait and see what happens. My tips are always right. It's beginner's luck. Trust me.
(Sorry in advance if I'm wrong.)
Oh and did I mention I hate Jonathan Thurston and his silly hat? That probably doesn't matter at this stage, but I just thought you should know.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Round 26 NRL Guest Preview: SUPERMAN
This week's special guest previewer is the legendary superhero SUPERMAN!
Last week's writer DARIUS BOYD was banned from returning by his coach Wayne Bennett, apparently because he said too much.
Dragons v Eels:
Jarryd Hayne is NOT Superman. I am Superman!!! Why do people keep getting us confused? So the dude is unstoppable. Big Deal. When was the last time anyone saw him fly for more than 2 seconds? Exactly.
And who the heck is this Weyman? I know a lot of the cool 'Man' names like me and Spider and Bat etc have already been taken but seriously can't he come up with something better than Weyman? Wey isn't even an animal or anything. Superheroes are so unimaginative these days...
Eels by 7.
Tigers v Bulldogs:
Bulldogs without Kimmorley are as dangerous as a bad guy without Kryptonite.
Tigers to win. (By the way whilst writing these previews I've also just stopped a derailed train, beaten up some wacko criminal with a quirky talent and witty personality, and rescued a kitten from a tree. What have you done for society?)
Warriors Storm:
Every hero needs an alias - a real-life persona that people aren't curious about. But I'm afraid Billy Slater's is rubbish. He is quite obviously a geeky teenage boy until he puts on that Storm Man costume.
Still, it's one thing knowing who he is, and another thing entirely trying to stop him. Warriors don't have a chance.
Sea Eagles v Titans:
My girl Lois says she fancies Matt Orford. I always thought she just liked tall, dark, handsome types... I'm not jealous though - if that little muppet lays one hand on her I'm going to crush him with my bare hands like he's made out of metal. You know I can.
Smash him Titans. Smash them all. Titans by 4.6 million.
Sharks v Rabbitohs:
Want to know how I get changed so quickly?
Bad luck it's a secret.
Want to know who's going to win this game?
Rabbitohs. Not that you really needed me to tell you that.
Roosters v Cowboys:
This match will be more boring than a pub crawl in Smallville.
I pick Cowboys, but I don't even want to be told what happens.
Knights v Panthers:
It's a shame the Knights don't wear the traditional red and blue these days. A man looks good in tight red and blue. Much better than all black that's for sure. Those Panthers are just a bunch of Batman wannabes. Pathetic.
34-32 to the Knights.
Broncos v Raiders:
The Raider's bright green uniforms scare me to be honest. I'm staying well away from this match.
Broncos by anything except 56-0. Okay gotta run... I mean fly. Later.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Practise your Heimlich Maneuver, the Dragons are choking!
It's the question on everybody's lips: are the Dragons choking? Okay it's probably not the question on the lips of any Dragons players themselves - they're too busy choking to have anything left over on their lips at all.
But back to that question. Are they choking or not? After losing to the Raiders I said 'no'. A loss is a loss. Sometimes it's a welcome wake-up call.
After losing to the Broncos (and failing to score a try) I said 'maybe'. It's not the end of the world but the signs aren't great. Defence is vital, no doubt, but you won't win the grand final without scoring a try.
But after losing (sorry, capitulating) to the Rabbitohs I say 'yes, with as much certainty as Jarryd Hayne winning Man of the Match next weekend'. That's pretty certain.
The Dragons are in trouble. Quite incredibly the former competition favourites, and apparent shoe-ins to claim at least the minor premiership, might now enter a match as underdogs against an Eels side still not guaranteed to make the finals at all.
Where did it all go wrong? Or perhaphs the more pertanent question is where did it all go right? Were the Dragons really that great to begin with? They started the season superbly, jumping out of the blocks like Usain Bolt. But as we all know, the premiership race is not a sprint.
The Red V set their bar so early on that other teams have had months to find ways of reaching it. Bettering it, even. And they have. There are sides that contain more dangerous players. More unpredictable threats. The Dragons' success was based on doing the little things right and playing with confidence whilst others found their feet.
Unfortunately those little things got so tiny they barely seem to exist anymore. And when some of those others finally found their feet, they realised they were looking down at size 16s. The Dragons were still wearing 12s.
Scoring points still doesn't seem to come naturally to them. One gets the feeling they always believed in themselves to prevent tries more capably than create them. The problem now is that the breadstick has gone stale at both ends. Tries are proving harder to find than Wendell Sailor's shy side, whilst the Bunnies made a mockery of that supposedly stingy defensive wall.
It's panic stations at Kogarah. And Wollongong. In fact it's more than just panic stations. It's panic stadiums, panic cities, panic Westfield shopping centres. Panic, panic, panic. Choke, choke, choke... then panic some more.
Are the Dragons choking? Get practising on your Heimlich Maneuver; this could get ugly.
But back to that question. Are they choking or not? After losing to the Raiders I said 'no'. A loss is a loss. Sometimes it's a welcome wake-up call.
After losing to the Broncos (and failing to score a try) I said 'maybe'. It's not the end of the world but the signs aren't great. Defence is vital, no doubt, but you won't win the grand final without scoring a try.
But after losing (sorry, capitulating) to the Rabbitohs I say 'yes, with as much certainty as Jarryd Hayne winning Man of the Match next weekend'. That's pretty certain.
The Dragons are in trouble. Quite incredibly the former competition favourites, and apparent shoe-ins to claim at least the minor premiership, might now enter a match as underdogs against an Eels side still not guaranteed to make the finals at all.
Where did it all go wrong? Or perhaphs the more pertanent question is where did it all go right? Were the Dragons really that great to begin with? They started the season superbly, jumping out of the blocks like Usain Bolt. But as we all know, the premiership race is not a sprint.
The Red V set their bar so early on that other teams have had months to find ways of reaching it. Bettering it, even. And they have. There are sides that contain more dangerous players. More unpredictable threats. The Dragons' success was based on doing the little things right and playing with confidence whilst others found their feet.
Unfortunately those little things got so tiny they barely seem to exist anymore. And when some of those others finally found their feet, they realised they were looking down at size 16s. The Dragons were still wearing 12s.
Scoring points still doesn't seem to come naturally to them. One gets the feeling they always believed in themselves to prevent tries more capably than create them. The problem now is that the breadstick has gone stale at both ends. Tries are proving harder to find than Wendell Sailor's shy side, whilst the Bunnies made a mockery of that supposedly stingy defensive wall.
It's panic stations at Kogarah. And Wollongong. In fact it's more than just panic stations. It's panic stadiums, panic cities, panic Westfield shopping centres. Panic, panic, panic. Choke, choke, choke... then panic some more.
Are the Dragons choking? Get practising on your Heimlich Maneuver; this could get ugly.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Round 25 NRL Guest Preview: DARIUS BOYD
This week's special guest previewer is tight-lipped Dragons fullback DARIUS BOYD.
Last week's writer JESSICA SIMPSON (4/8 tips) has been reprimanded for inappropriately flirting with League Larrikin via email...
Eels v Panthers:
No. (Editor's note: this response from Darius will be counted for tipping purposes as a draw.)
Cowboys v Broncos:
Yeah, nah... dunno. (Another draw.)
Titans v Tigers:
Wayne Bennett told me not to give too much away, alright. So I'm not.
The winner will be Ti... I can only give away the first two letters I'm afraid. Oh and the last letter is an 's'. Sorry. (Well, no I'm not actually sorry at all you worthless scum. Work it out for yourselves.)
Rabbitohs v Dragons:
Okay the coach has just tapped me on the shoulder (I'm so tense I nearly reflex-punched him,) and suggested that I am actually allowed to say a few words about each game. Just as long as I don't mention the plan to be more physical in the opening exchanges before shifting the ball and targeting the Rabbitohs' right side defence. Ah crap. My fault, Benny.
Rabbitohs will probably win now.
Storm v Roosters:
A few of my Origin mates are in the Storm team like Billy Slater, Cameron Smith and Dallas Johnson. Pffft who am I kidding - I don't have any mates.
Storm by 40. (Billy... Cam... please return my calls.)
Sea Eagles v Sharks:
Whatever. Either that or Sea Eagles.
Bulldogs v Warriors:
Choking? The Dragons are not urrgghhh... nehejjkke... no,gmmphh, no... NOT... cho, cho, choking. Excuse me, my roast potato just went down the wrong way. I wasn't choking. None of my teammates are choking either. Actually none of my teammates even turned up to my dinner party. Would you shut up about choking!?
Maybe Bulldogs are the real chokers. Yeah, come on Warriors.
Raiders v Knights:
It's not as if the Dragons have been losing to hopeless teams at the bottom of the table like the Raiders, or has-beens like the Broncos. Oh right, yes we have. See THIS is why I normally don't talk much!
Maybe the Raiders aren't that bad after all. I'll tip them. But if they lose they are so ****ing s***!!! Can I go now?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
BLOG: Arthur "In My" Day
This is the occasionally updated blog of 101 year-old Arthur "In My" Day. Mr. Day has been following rugby league since before he can remember, which admittedly is not saying all that much since he suffers from Alzheimers. He estimates that he’s seen over 50,000 matches in his time. Then again he also thinks he’s only 83 and used to run the hundred metres in 8 seconds during the prime of youth, so figures aren’t necessarily his strong suit. One thing is certain though: Arthur is a league man through and through. He’s not afraid to have his say on the game, both how it is now and how it was in his day...
In my day we didn't wear headgear. In fact we didn't wear anything at all... wait that's a different story. Sorry Mrs. Day. What I mean is that when we were playing footy, we didn't wear any headgear. Stupid things weren't even invented yet.
Honestly what's the point of strapping some ridiculous contraption to your head? For protection against potentially fatal head injuries, people always say. What a load of bloody nonsense! I suffered over 20 concussions playing the game and look at me now. Well you can't look at me because you're there and I'm here, but I can tell you that I'm fighting fit in body and mind. Especially in the body. Especially in the mind. Especially in the... where was I?
You see wearing headgear is like admitting to the opposition that you're a wimp. If I ever saw a wimp in headgear I would've just belted him twice as hard, right around the nose. He wouldn't be able to smell any of his wimpy bloody flowers after that.
What really makes me cranky are these morons that use bright colourful variations of headgear. If I didn't know any better I'd think that they weren't ashamed of themselves. But they must be. At least just wear the same colour as everybody else and hope nobody recognises you. You better all hope I never recognise you on the street, because if I do I'm going to yell random, incoherent obscenities at you just as any old man worth his salt should - you bloody pathetic headgear-wearing wimps!
I'm off to bed...
In my day we didn't wear headgear. In fact we didn't wear anything at all... wait that's a different story. Sorry Mrs. Day. What I mean is that when we were playing footy, we didn't wear any headgear. Stupid things weren't even invented yet.
Honestly what's the point of strapping some ridiculous contraption to your head? For protection against potentially fatal head injuries, people always say. What a load of bloody nonsense! I suffered over 20 concussions playing the game and look at me now. Well you can't look at me because you're there and I'm here, but I can tell you that I'm fighting fit in body and mind. Especially in the body. Especially in the mind. Especially in the... where was I?
You see wearing headgear is like admitting to the opposition that you're a wimp. If I ever saw a wimp in headgear I would've just belted him twice as hard, right around the nose. He wouldn't be able to smell any of his wimpy bloody flowers after that.
What really makes me cranky are these morons that use bright colourful variations of headgear. If I didn't know any better I'd think that they weren't ashamed of themselves. But they must be. At least just wear the same colour as everybody else and hope nobody recognises you. You better all hope I never recognise you on the street, because if I do I'm going to yell random, incoherent obscenities at you just as any old man worth his salt should - you bloody pathetic headgear-wearing wimps!
I'm off to bed...
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Round 24 NRL Guest Preview: JESSICA SIMPSON
This week's special guest previewer is American singer/actress
JESSICA SIMPSON.
Last week's writer William Shakespeare said his heart could no longer handle the drama of the NRL...
Dragons v Broncos:
It's always hard seeing your ex with a new woman. That must be how the Broncos feel when they see Wayne Bennett with Saint George Illawarra. Not that I'm saying Saint George Illawarra is a woman - obviously he's not a woman because he's a saint. Or can women be Saints too? Well anyway his name is George Illawarra, so he's definitely not a woman.
I think the jealous Broncos will give death stares to Bennett's new flame and 'accidentally' spill red wine all over their nice white jerseys. The Dragons players will cry, have a fight with Bennett even though he did nothing wrong, and storm out of the stadium in a huff before the end of the match.
Tigers v Eels:
People say that I'm stupid, but they just don't realise that I'm famous.
Eels to win by whatever that number is that comes after six... oh yeah I remember - sixteen! That's the one. Er, I mean that's the sixteen.
Knights v Cowboys:
Last week the Knights were on the rebound after dumping Brian Smith. This week the harsh reality of ending their 3-year relationship will set in and cause some feelings of... you know, like sad kinda feelings. What's the word I'm thinking of? Dipreshan?
I don't say this very often, but Cowboys are more mentally stable. Cowboys are pretty hot too. They'll win.
Panthers v Rabbitohs:
You know I'm just a girl from Texas like anybody else. Well, like anybody else that's a girl from Texas at least. The only difference is that I'm also a famous singer. And actress. And TV personality. Whoah I'm more versatile than Craig Wing if you think about it... did you think about it? I did. But then I got distracted by Spongebob Squarepants and forgot what I was thinking about.
I tip Rabbitohs. (By the way, what's a rabbitoh?)
Titans v Sharks:
I'm scared of sharks. But I'm not scared of Titans coz they're the same as rabbitohs - I don't really know what they are.
Go Titans!
Warriors v Raiders:
So when you hear the referee yelling at the players, he's just miming right? He probably recorded all that stuff like 'DOMINAAANT!!!' and 'MOVEMEEENT!!!' before the match so that it would sound perfect and there wouldn't be any chance of stuffing it up in front of a live audience. Makes sense.
Like, toootally the Raiders are going to win.
Storm v Sea Eagles:
I used to think Buffalo 'wings' came from buffaloes. Then somebody told me Buffaloes don't have wings. Can you believe that? Pretty dumb thing to call them then if you ask me. Next they'll be saying Sea Eagles don't belong in the sea.
Storm by 2.
Bulldogs v Roosters:
Anthony Minichiello is cute enough to marry and star in a reality TV show about newlyweds with.
But that won't stop the Roosters getting smashed.
Monday, August 17, 2009
And then there was Penrith...
What a weekend of embarrassing thrashings for the only three teams still in with a chance of claiming the wooden spoon. The Sharks, Roosters, and Warriors lost their matches by a combined total of 140-26. If the season lasted a few more weeks then newspapers, magazines, and websites around the country would need to start finding some extra space on their pages just to fit these sides' negative points differentials onto the competition table.
It won't be long before the Sharks and Roosters reveal just how desperate they are to avoid coming last - you'll know they're serious when they take penalty and field-goal attempts at 30-nil down just to help improve their for-and-against column. It's not as if either team seriously believe they're going to scrape off the bottom with actual victories. Only a salary cap scandal from another club can save one of these sides now.
At least Sharks and Roosters players escaped the humiliation of being crushed so convincingly in front of their home fans... oh wait, actually no they didn't. That's so humiliating I didn't even see it coming after it had already happened.
And then there was Penrith. Oh dear. Their match against the Broncos started like a basketball game with points (and the lead) being traded more readily than illegal DVDs at a Bangkok market. By the end, though, Panthers players seemed to be under the impression that they actually were basketballers, so keenly did they attempt not to risk a foul by making contact with the man carrying the ball.
Of course the fact that they led at half-time, lost by 34, and alarmingly dropped outside the top eight will have concerned them, but the fact that they conceded over three times as many points as England's middle order scored runs in the 4th Ashes Test must truly have them hiding in shame.
The Sharks, Roosters, and Warriors all have an excuse - not being very good. And not having much to play for except pride, which let's be honest is not much at all really. But the Panthers were fighting for their finals lives. They should've been hungry and eager to win. As it was even the spider on my living room ceiling seemed utterly unimpressed by their lack of intensity.
It's that time of year when clubs are either itching to progress to the finals or have long since given up and are dreaming of island holidays and cases of beer. Who will be thrashed next week? Well to be honest, probably the same teams that were thrashed this week.
It won't be long before the Sharks and Roosters reveal just how desperate they are to avoid coming last - you'll know they're serious when they take penalty and field-goal attempts at 30-nil down just to help improve their for-and-against column. It's not as if either team seriously believe they're going to scrape off the bottom with actual victories. Only a salary cap scandal from another club can save one of these sides now.
At least Sharks and Roosters players escaped the humiliation of being crushed so convincingly in front of their home fans... oh wait, actually no they didn't. That's so humiliating I didn't even see it coming after it had already happened.
And then there was Penrith. Oh dear. Their match against the Broncos started like a basketball game with points (and the lead) being traded more readily than illegal DVDs at a Bangkok market. By the end, though, Panthers players seemed to be under the impression that they actually were basketballers, so keenly did they attempt not to risk a foul by making contact with the man carrying the ball.
Of course the fact that they led at half-time, lost by 34, and alarmingly dropped outside the top eight will have concerned them, but the fact that they conceded over three times as many points as England's middle order scored runs in the 4th Ashes Test must truly have them hiding in shame.
The Sharks, Roosters, and Warriors all have an excuse - not being very good. And not having much to play for except pride, which let's be honest is not much at all really. But the Panthers were fighting for their finals lives. They should've been hungry and eager to win. As it was even the spider on my living room ceiling seemed utterly unimpressed by their lack of intensity.
It's that time of year when clubs are either itching to progress to the finals or have long since given up and are dreaming of island holidays and cases of beer. Who will be thrashed next week? Well to be honest, probably the same teams that were thrashed this week.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Round 23 NRL Guest Preview: WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
This week's guest previewer is Elizabethan Playwright WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
Last week's writer Ricky Ponting (score: 6/8 tips) is too busy being cocky and stubborn to return our calls...
Cowboys vs Bulldogs:
To be, or not to be: that is the question. Oh, it wasn't? Silly me. Sorry what was the question again? Ah yes... Cowboys or Bulldogs: that is the question. Anybody know the answer? Let us choose Cowboys.
Rabbitohs vs Titans:
The King of Redfern, Russell Crowe, has heard whispers of scheming by the young Prince of Gold Coast and his crafty Friend. Meanwhile, a dangerous and futile friendship, forged during the battle of Origin between Wing of the Rabbitoh family and Bailey of the Titan family, threatens to spark a bitter family feud. And Sutton will be man-of-the-match.
Rabbitohs to win in a dramatic final scene, possibly involving a field goal.
Roosters vs Sea Eagles:
O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? And O Stewart, Stewart! Wherefore art thou Stewart? Are you still bloody injured? Honestly, take some medicine dear.
As poorly as Manly's fullback be, all the Roosters be poorer.
Sea Eagles by 13+.
Raiders vs Dragons:
The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool. Especially Wendell Sailor. But one must ask how it is that a Sailor be also a Dragon? By day a merry seaman, by night a fire-breathing menace. On this cool Canberra eve, whom must the Raider slay - be it the Sailor or the Dragon? Such anticipation doth stir the soul of ye neutral supporter.
Dragons I tell you.
Eels vs Warriors:
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. Except Jarryd Hayne - he is surely a God.
I can't tell you who will win this, but I can tell you there will be a twist in the tale. Okay you really want to know? Promise you won't get cranky if I ruin the ending? Eels are going to win. Happy now?
Sharks vs Tigers:
This will be a play of two acts. In Act One the Sharks will begin full of promise. But in Act Two the Tigers will launch a stunning comeback.
When the curtain falls it will be Sharks 22 - Tigers 24.
Broncos vs Panthers:
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you slow down our play-the-ball, do we not get a penalty?It depends on the referee, I suppose.
Broncos to finally fall on their sword and lose by 12.
Knights vs Storm:
You don't need an intellectual such as myself to tell you what will happen here.
Storm will win. By 50.
Last week's writer Ricky Ponting (score: 6/8 tips) is too busy being cocky and stubborn to return our calls...
Cowboys vs Bulldogs:
To be, or not to be: that is the question. Oh, it wasn't? Silly me. Sorry what was the question again? Ah yes... Cowboys or Bulldogs: that is the question. Anybody know the answer? Let us choose Cowboys.
Rabbitohs vs Titans:
The King of Redfern, Russell Crowe, has heard whispers of scheming by the young Prince of Gold Coast and his crafty Friend. Meanwhile, a dangerous and futile friendship, forged during the battle of Origin between Wing of the Rabbitoh family and Bailey of the Titan family, threatens to spark a bitter family feud. And Sutton will be man-of-the-match.
Rabbitohs to win in a dramatic final scene, possibly involving a field goal.
Roosters vs Sea Eagles:
O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? And O Stewart, Stewart! Wherefore art thou Stewart? Are you still bloody injured? Honestly, take some medicine dear.
As poorly as Manly's fullback be, all the Roosters be poorer.
Sea Eagles by 13+.
Raiders vs Dragons:
The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool. Especially Wendell Sailor. But one must ask how it is that a Sailor be also a Dragon? By day a merry seaman, by night a fire-breathing menace. On this cool Canberra eve, whom must the Raider slay - be it the Sailor or the Dragon? Such anticipation doth stir the soul of ye neutral supporter.
Dragons I tell you.
Eels vs Warriors:
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. Except Jarryd Hayne - he is surely a God.
I can't tell you who will win this, but I can tell you there will be a twist in the tale. Okay you really want to know? Promise you won't get cranky if I ruin the ending? Eels are going to win. Happy now?
Sharks vs Tigers:
This will be a play of two acts. In Act One the Sharks will begin full of promise. But in Act Two the Tigers will launch a stunning comeback.
When the curtain falls it will be Sharks 22 - Tigers 24.
Broncos vs Panthers:
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you slow down our play-the-ball, do we not get a penalty?It depends on the referee, I suppose.
Broncos to finally fall on their sword and lose by 12.
Knights vs Storm:
You don't need an intellectual such as myself to tell you what will happen here.
Storm will win. By 50.
Monday, August 10, 2009
THE BLIND MOLE #3: Eels Consider Fielding One-Man Team
Another story so exclusive it may not have even happened yet...
The Blind Mole is hearing whispers of a secret revolutionary plan by the Parramatta Eels to rest the entire first grade squad, barring superstar Jarryd Hayne, from their round 23 match against the New Zealand Warriors.
In what would be an NRL first, it is believed members of the Eels' hierarchy see victory over the struggling Warriors as a mere formality and that Hayne, in his current form, could probably win the match on his own. This would give all other players a deserved rest after four consecutive victories and leave them fresh for the ongoing charge towards the finals and beyond.
Whilst one Parramatta official has privately expressed concerns over the team's ability to dominate the ruck without a forward pack, others believe that having only one player on the field would ensure less penalties and handling errors - two factors that can often cruel a side's chances.
And what a player that one player is. The very idea of Hayne hitting it up and getting a quick play-the-ball for himself to pirouette and pick up at dummy-half before passing and catching again out wide will have the Warriors scrambling for a strategy to counteract with.
It is thought that the Eels are still weighing up the benefits of also selecting Nathan Hindmarsh on the bench to ease the defensive pressure on Hayne towards the end of each half and to provide some cover for injury. It may be decided, however, that since Hayne can spend the entire match defending from either marker or fullback, he won't become exhausted getting back on side and can in fact last the full eighty minutes.
Could the Newcastle Knights consider using a similar tactic with inspirational captain and fullback Kurt Gidley? It seems unlikely, due to the fact that Hayne is simply a much better player.
The Blind Mole is hearing whispers of a secret revolutionary plan by the Parramatta Eels to rest the entire first grade squad, barring superstar Jarryd Hayne, from their round 23 match against the New Zealand Warriors.
In what would be an NRL first, it is believed members of the Eels' hierarchy see victory over the struggling Warriors as a mere formality and that Hayne, in his current form, could probably win the match on his own. This would give all other players a deserved rest after four consecutive victories and leave them fresh for the ongoing charge towards the finals and beyond.
Whilst one Parramatta official has privately expressed concerns over the team's ability to dominate the ruck without a forward pack, others believe that having only one player on the field would ensure less penalties and handling errors - two factors that can often cruel a side's chances.
And what a player that one player is. The very idea of Hayne hitting it up and getting a quick play-the-ball for himself to pirouette and pick up at dummy-half before passing and catching again out wide will have the Warriors scrambling for a strategy to counteract with.
It is thought that the Eels are still weighing up the benefits of also selecting Nathan Hindmarsh on the bench to ease the defensive pressure on Hayne towards the end of each half and to provide some cover for injury. It may be decided, however, that since Hayne can spend the entire match defending from either marker or fullback, he won't become exhausted getting back on side and can in fact last the full eighty minutes.
Could the Newcastle Knights consider using a similar tactic with inspirational captain and fullback Kurt Gidley? It seems unlikely, due to the fact that Hayne is simply a much better player.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Round 22 NRL Special Guest Preview: RICKY PONTING
This week's previewer is Australian cricket captain and Tasmania's all-time greatest number 3 batsman without a moustache Ricky 'Punter' Ponting. Former guest writers Michael Jackson, Gordon Ramsay, Lleyton Hewitt and Brad Fittler have all been discarded after failing to tip the perfect round - League Larrikin demands results.
Panthers vs Dragons:
If Petero Civoniceva added just 5 or 6 more syllables to his name he could play for Sri Lanka. Apparently he's injured at the moment. I reckon he's just lazy - the Dragons definitely shouldn't let him have a runner.
Dragons by an innings and 147 runs.
Storm vs Cowboys:
Storm expected to be at this match, which will more than likely force 2 or 3 days to be abandoned and make a result difficult to achieve for both sides. I know the bloody feeling. Is the game being played in this puddle they call England or something?
Draw. (I hate England.)
Sea Eagles vs Rabbitohs:
They don't call me 'Punter' for nothing you know. It's because I'm a bit of a punter. See how that makes sense? Most nicknames are meaningless abbreviations like 'Hilfy' and 'Watto'. I don't bet on the NRL much, though - partly because I don't even know the rules, but mostly because I'm too busy being arrogant and stubborn.
Sea Eagles can still retain the Ashes... oops, sorry, I was just twittering at the same time and it gets confusing. I mean Sea Eagles can still retain their premiership. They'll win this by 4 wickets... points. 4 points. Ciao, Ricky (-:
Bulldogs vs Raiders:
Last year the Bulldogs came last right? Now they're ranked second? That's like Zimbabwe suddenly being good. Very suspicious if you ask me... go on ask me! Please. I think it's very suspicious.
Bulldogs to suspiciously win by 2 points with a last-minute penalty goal.
Roosters vs Tigers:
I was taught so much about captaincy from mentors such as Mark Taylor and Steve Waugh. Then I ignored the lot of it. I don't need tactical advice from anybody. Especially not old batsmen who weren't even as good as me, which is pretty much everybody except possibly Bradman. What does any of that have to do with this match? Mate I've never even heard of half these teams.
I'm going to piiiiiiiiick... Andrew Symonds! Okay Tigers.
Warriors vs Titans:
The Warriors are from New Zealand? Ha ha ha ha ha... They must be so crap. Why doesn't Tasmania have an NRL team? They'd be better than the Kiwis for sure.
Warriors to win... just joking. I love telling jokes in the slips cordon.
Eels vs Knights:
Everybody's talking about Jarryd Hayne and his fancy footwork, but does he shuffle around the crease just a little bit too much? Sure he's got a great sidestep but his front foot drive and back foot defence leave a lot to be desired in my opinion.
But the Eels wouldn't even need Hayne because the Knights have hit the wall like Mitchell Johnson.
Eels by 18.
Broncos vs Sharks:
I don't think the Broncos are playing that badly. The scoreboard doesn't necessarily tell the whole story. Yes they lost 56-0 last week but the conditions suited the Raiders at home. Brisbane can take a lot of positives out of the match. They weren't at their best with the ball, and the catching was perhaps below their usual high standards. To be honest there wasn't that much difference between the two sides. They will have a look at some options within the squad but I doubt any player's place is in danger and I'm confident this group of guys can get the job done.
All Darren Lockyer needs to do is crap on and on and on like this pretending everything is fine and nobody will realise that his team are playing like a bunch of girls. It works for me.
Broncos by 12. (Although obviously deep down I don't really believe that.)
Panthers vs Dragons:
If Petero Civoniceva added just 5 or 6 more syllables to his name he could play for Sri Lanka. Apparently he's injured at the moment. I reckon he's just lazy - the Dragons definitely shouldn't let him have a runner.
Dragons by an innings and 147 runs.
Storm vs Cowboys:
Storm expected to be at this match, which will more than likely force 2 or 3 days to be abandoned and make a result difficult to achieve for both sides. I know the bloody feeling. Is the game being played in this puddle they call England or something?
Draw. (I hate England.)
Sea Eagles vs Rabbitohs:
They don't call me 'Punter' for nothing you know. It's because I'm a bit of a punter. See how that makes sense? Most nicknames are meaningless abbreviations like 'Hilfy' and 'Watto'. I don't bet on the NRL much, though - partly because I don't even know the rules, but mostly because I'm too busy being arrogant and stubborn.
Sea Eagles can still retain the Ashes... oops, sorry, I was just twittering at the same time and it gets confusing. I mean Sea Eagles can still retain their premiership. They'll win this by 4 wickets... points. 4 points. Ciao, Ricky (-:
Bulldogs vs Raiders:
Last year the Bulldogs came last right? Now they're ranked second? That's like Zimbabwe suddenly being good. Very suspicious if you ask me... go on ask me! Please. I think it's very suspicious.
Bulldogs to suspiciously win by 2 points with a last-minute penalty goal.
Roosters vs Tigers:
I was taught so much about captaincy from mentors such as Mark Taylor and Steve Waugh. Then I ignored the lot of it. I don't need tactical advice from anybody. Especially not old batsmen who weren't even as good as me, which is pretty much everybody except possibly Bradman. What does any of that have to do with this match? Mate I've never even heard of half these teams.
I'm going to piiiiiiiiick... Andrew Symonds! Okay Tigers.
Warriors vs Titans:
The Warriors are from New Zealand? Ha ha ha ha ha... They must be so crap. Why doesn't Tasmania have an NRL team? They'd be better than the Kiwis for sure.
Warriors to win... just joking. I love telling jokes in the slips cordon.
Eels vs Knights:
Everybody's talking about Jarryd Hayne and his fancy footwork, but does he shuffle around the crease just a little bit too much? Sure he's got a great sidestep but his front foot drive and back foot defence leave a lot to be desired in my opinion.
But the Eels wouldn't even need Hayne because the Knights have hit the wall like Mitchell Johnson.
Eels by 18.
Broncos vs Sharks:
I don't think the Broncos are playing that badly. The scoreboard doesn't necessarily tell the whole story. Yes they lost 56-0 last week but the conditions suited the Raiders at home. Brisbane can take a lot of positives out of the match. They weren't at their best with the ball, and the catching was perhaps below their usual high standards. To be honest there wasn't that much difference between the two sides. They will have a look at some options within the squad but I doubt any player's place is in danger and I'm confident this group of guys can get the job done.
All Darren Lockyer needs to do is crap on and on and on like this pretending everything is fine and nobody will realise that his team are playing like a bunch of girls. It works for me.
Broncos by 12. (Although obviously deep down I don't really believe that.)
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Blind Mole #2 - The Referees' Poll Questions You Didn't See
Another story so exclusive it may not have even happened yet...
The controversial referees' poll was revealed recently by Rugby League Week magazine and caused quite a stir in the NRL with revelations that the whistleblowers found Brett Finch to be the biggest sook in the game, Michael Crocker to be the dirtiest player, and Justin Hodges to be the biggest sledger, amongst other things.
However The Blind Mole can today reveal some of the questions considered for the poll but later deemed to be just too controversial. Questions that would have the referees looking for a place to hide. Following are a few examples:
1. Do you think that your colleague Shayne Hayne has ever considered changing his name, and if so, why?
a) No way. Why would he? It's the best name in League.
b) Yes, he was going to change it to Jarryd Hayne in order to make himself more popular with the ladies.
c) Yes, he was going to change it because players always tease him and shout 'Shayne Hayne, what a pain, he's too vain for our game!'
2. Did Bill Harrigan make mistakes as the video referee in this year's State of Origin series?
a) No. Bill Harrigan is a god. He's the refereeing equivalent of Wally Lewis,
only he's really good looking as well. I love him.
b) Maybe. I would need to have a look at about 37 more replays from 25 different angles before I could make a decision. But that, of course, does not necessarily mean that I would rule a benefit of the doubt try. What people don't understand is that sometimes it's that 37th replay that shows exactly what happened.
c) Yes. Huge mistakes. Sometimes I'm not sure if he's watching the game or looking in the mirror. And other times I am sure, because I catch him looking in the mirror.
3. Do you sometimes award penalties for stripping even though you don't really have a clue if the ball was stripped or if it was simply a loose carry?
a) Of course not. Well, maybe sometimes
b) I saw that clearly as a strip, the penalty is against you. Holy crap did anybody see that replay? Geez he just knocked that on cold, didn't he? Oh well too late now...
c) Look if you keep asking me questions like that you know what I'm going to have to do. I don't want to take the next step but I won't hesitate to if I have to. One more question like that and I'll have no choice. I know you know what I'm talking about so you better fix it mate and have a word with your team... I'm talking about using the Sin Bin! Oh who am I kidding? We all know I won't use it. Just don't do it again okay.
4. What is your opinion of the two referees system?
a) There are two referees? Nobody told me.
b) Look I don't think you can go out there and concentrate on the fact there's another ref. You just have to ref your own game rather than focusing on what he may or may not be doing. If you get your own backyard in order, the rest follows I think. Yeah I basically never have a clue what the other bloke is supposed to be doing.
c) My only problem with it is that there's a second referee on the field. Other than that it's a very good system.
The controversial referees' poll was revealed recently by Rugby League Week magazine and caused quite a stir in the NRL with revelations that the whistleblowers found Brett Finch to be the biggest sook in the game, Michael Crocker to be the dirtiest player, and Justin Hodges to be the biggest sledger, amongst other things.
However The Blind Mole can today reveal some of the questions considered for the poll but later deemed to be just too controversial. Questions that would have the referees looking for a place to hide. Following are a few examples:
1. Do you think that your colleague Shayne Hayne has ever considered changing his name, and if so, why?
a) No way. Why would he? It's the best name in League.
b) Yes, he was going to change it to Jarryd Hayne in order to make himself more popular with the ladies.
c) Yes, he was going to change it because players always tease him and shout 'Shayne Hayne, what a pain, he's too vain for our game!'
2. Did Bill Harrigan make mistakes as the video referee in this year's State of Origin series?
a) No. Bill Harrigan is a god. He's the refereeing equivalent of Wally Lewis,
only he's really good looking as well. I love him.
b) Maybe. I would need to have a look at about 37 more replays from 25 different angles before I could make a decision. But that, of course, does not necessarily mean that I would rule a benefit of the doubt try. What people don't understand is that sometimes it's that 37th replay that shows exactly what happened.
c) Yes. Huge mistakes. Sometimes I'm not sure if he's watching the game or looking in the mirror. And other times I am sure, because I catch him looking in the mirror.
3. Do you sometimes award penalties for stripping even though you don't really have a clue if the ball was stripped or if it was simply a loose carry?
a) Of course not. Well, maybe sometimes
b) I saw that clearly as a strip, the penalty is against you. Holy crap did anybody see that replay? Geez he just knocked that on cold, didn't he? Oh well too late now...
c) Look if you keep asking me questions like that you know what I'm going to have to do. I don't want to take the next step but I won't hesitate to if I have to. One more question like that and I'll have no choice. I know you know what I'm talking about so you better fix it mate and have a word with your team... I'm talking about using the Sin Bin! Oh who am I kidding? We all know I won't use it. Just don't do it again okay.
4. What is your opinion of the two referees system?
a) There are two referees? Nobody told me.
b) Look I don't think you can go out there and concentrate on the fact there's another ref. You just have to ref your own game rather than focusing on what he may or may not be doing. If you get your own backyard in order, the rest follows I think. Yeah I basically never have a clue what the other bloke is supposed to be doing.
c) My only problem with it is that there's a second referee on the field. Other than that it's a very good system.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Round 20 NRL Special Guest Preview: BRAD 'FREDDIE' FITTLER
This week's previewer is sacked Roosters coach Brad 'Freddie' Fittler. Last week's writer, Lleyton Hewitt, kept screaming "C'mmmoooooooooooooooonnnn!!!!!!" down the phone at us, so we had to let him go...
Titans vs Broncos:
Life is so unfair. The only reason the Titans don't sack John Cartwright is because he's a good coach. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Roosters by 8. What do you mean the Roosters aren't playing til Monday? How the hell am I supposed to get the boys sober after a weekend off? F***!!! Oops - I'll have to fine myself 10 grand for that.
Okay I'm fine... stupid fine... Titans by 10 ****ing grand! S***... that's 10 more grand. Kings Cross here I come.
Sea Eagles vs Knights:
I hate knights. Those long, lonely knights when it's just me and the bottle. And some random girl who doesn't recognise me when I knock on her hotel room door in the middle of the knight completely off my trolley. Yes it's the knights when I find my sacking the hardest to deal with. Knight after knight I have knightmares about where it all went wrong. If it wasn't for my loyalty card at the local bottle shop I honestly don't know what I'd do with myself.
The Knights won't go away... they'll win by 6.
Bulldogs vs Eels:
People keep asking me if I feel bitter. Of course I bloody do. I've polished off 6 cases of Victoria Bitter this week - what else would I be feeling? Well, maybe a bit of vodka as well. The Eels coach and players will try their hardest for the club they love, but it won't be enough. It's never enough. You rescue the club in their time of need, you give it everything you have and you bleed red, white and blue only to wind up stabbed in the back as if...
Bulldogs to come out on twist top.
Cowboys vs Panthers:
I wish I was Phil Gould. He's so much better than me. So is Brian Smith. Pretty much everybody is better than me. Do you have anything else to drink?
Boycows to wine. I mean win.
Storm vs Sharks:
Am I slurring to start my words?
I pick the Starks.
Raiders vs Tigers:
I don't want to be next unemployed year. I will end desperately up having to take work I can find any, like app... app... appearing on the Footy Show.
Roosters... Oh yeah forgot, they're playing not either this game.
Errr, Tigers.
Warriors vs Dragons:
So sudden of all the Dragons are sooooooo great and everybody luvs Wendell and Bennett Wayne is the messiah and blah blah blah. Well just see and wait what happens when apart fall they year next and last come! Then bloody Wayne won't so look smug will he? Aaaarrrggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!
Rabbitohs vs Roosters:
Sorry about all that I may have had a bit too much to drink last night. I've fined myself another $10,000 for bringing this preview into direpute. Anyway, the Roosters will be very well prepared for this match. The coach will not let the players be distracted by off-field dramas. A solid gameplan and disciplined defensive effort should be enough for the Roosters to... oh who am I kidding? I don't even know who we're playing but the Roosters will lose - obviously.
Titans vs Broncos:
Life is so unfair. The only reason the Titans don't sack John Cartwright is because he's a good coach. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Roosters by 8. What do you mean the Roosters aren't playing til Monday? How the hell am I supposed to get the boys sober after a weekend off? F***!!! Oops - I'll have to fine myself 10 grand for that.
Okay I'm fine... stupid fine... Titans by 10 ****ing grand! S***... that's 10 more grand. Kings Cross here I come.
Sea Eagles vs Knights:
I hate knights. Those long, lonely knights when it's just me and the bottle. And some random girl who doesn't recognise me when I knock on her hotel room door in the middle of the knight completely off my trolley. Yes it's the knights when I find my sacking the hardest to deal with. Knight after knight I have knightmares about where it all went wrong. If it wasn't for my loyalty card at the local bottle shop I honestly don't know what I'd do with myself.
The Knights won't go away... they'll win by 6.
Bulldogs vs Eels:
People keep asking me if I feel bitter. Of course I bloody do. I've polished off 6 cases of Victoria Bitter this week - what else would I be feeling? Well, maybe a bit of vodka as well. The Eels coach and players will try their hardest for the club they love, but it won't be enough. It's never enough. You rescue the club in their time of need, you give it everything you have and you bleed red, white and blue only to wind up stabbed in the back as if...
Bulldogs to come out on twist top.
Cowboys vs Panthers:
I wish I was Phil Gould. He's so much better than me. So is Brian Smith. Pretty much everybody is better than me. Do you have anything else to drink?
Boycows to wine. I mean win.
Storm vs Sharks:
Am I slurring to start my words?
I pick the Starks.
Raiders vs Tigers:
I don't want to be next unemployed year. I will end desperately up having to take work I can find any, like app... app... appearing on the Footy Show.
Roosters... Oh yeah forgot, they're playing not either this game.
Errr, Tigers.
Warriors vs Dragons:
So sudden of all the Dragons are sooooooo great and everybody luvs Wendell and Bennett Wayne is the messiah and blah blah blah. Well just see and wait what happens when apart fall they year next and last come! Then bloody Wayne won't so look smug will he? Aaaarrrggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!
Rabbitohs vs Roosters:
Sorry about all that I may have had a bit too much to drink last night. I've fined myself another $10,000 for bringing this preview into direpute. Anyway, the Roosters will be very well prepared for this match. The coach will not let the players be distracted by off-field dramas. A solid gameplan and disciplined defensive effort should be enough for the Roosters to... oh who am I kidding? I don't even know who we're playing but the Roosters will lose - obviously.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Round 19 Special Guest Preview: Lleyton Hewitt
This week's previewer is Aussie tennis champion (well, former champion) Lleyton Hewitt. Last week's writer Gordon Ramsay is sadly unavailable due to his head being too far up his own... well you get the idea.
Broncos vs Rabbitohs:
RA BIT OHS! RA BIT OHS! RA BIT OHS!!! I don't actually support anybody; I just like yelling stuff.
Bulldogs vs Titans:
Bulldogs were crap last year but now they're amazing. They've come back like my hero Rocky! Can you believe some people think that Rocky is just a movie and isn't actually real? Idiots. He's my hero. I'd love to meet him but my agent says he's really hard to contact, even for a superstar like me. Bulldogs to win in a Hollywood finish.
Panthers vs Raiders:
C'mmmmooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!! Er, dunno really - Panthers I guess.
Sharks vs Sea Eagles:
C'mmmmoooooooooonnnnn Adelaide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Crows aren't playing? Oh... in that case I pick the Sea Eagles - they're both birds I guess.
Roosters vs Warriors:
Speaking of birds, how hot is my wife? Damn hot. All the cheerleaders at this game put together wouldn't be as hot as my Bec. She predicts Roosters and who am I to argue whilst she's giving me this unbelievably hot oil massage?
Tigers vs Cowboys:
Some of the American guys on the tennis tour have a saying - 'Tigers suck'. They'd know more than me - Cowboys to win.
Eels vs Storm:
The Eels must approach this match the way I approach Roger Federer - try their guts out, give it everything, look deep within themselves to find that extra something, fight and fight and fight until the bitter end and be prepared to die on that centre court in the desperate pursuit of victory... and hope their opponent gets injured and can't finish the match. Storm in straight sets.
Broncos vs Rabbitohs:
RA BIT OHS! RA BIT OHS! RA BIT OHS!!! I don't actually support anybody; I just like yelling stuff.
Bulldogs vs Titans:
Bulldogs were crap last year but now they're amazing. They've come back like my hero Rocky! Can you believe some people think that Rocky is just a movie and isn't actually real? Idiots. He's my hero. I'd love to meet him but my agent says he's really hard to contact, even for a superstar like me. Bulldogs to win in a Hollywood finish.
Panthers vs Raiders:
C'mmmmooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!! Er, dunno really - Panthers I guess.
Sharks vs Sea Eagles:
C'mmmmoooooooooonnnnn Adelaide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Crows aren't playing? Oh... in that case I pick the Sea Eagles - they're both birds I guess.
Roosters vs Warriors:
Speaking of birds, how hot is my wife? Damn hot. All the cheerleaders at this game put together wouldn't be as hot as my Bec. She predicts Roosters and who am I to argue whilst she's giving me this unbelievably hot oil massage?
Tigers vs Cowboys:
Some of the American guys on the tennis tour have a saying - 'Tigers suck'. They'd know more than me - Cowboys to win.
Eels vs Storm:
The Eels must approach this match the way I approach Roger Federer - try their guts out, give it everything, look deep within themselves to find that extra something, fight and fight and fight until the bitter end and be prepared to die on that centre court in the desperate pursuit of victory... and hope their opponent gets injured and can't finish the match. Storm in straight sets.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Blind Mole #1 - NRL Plan for 16-Team Finals Series
A story so exclusive it may not even have happened... yet.
A source close to the NRL has revealed to The Blind Mole that the wheels are in motion for a proposed 16-team finals series in the 2010 NRL season. The radical move would see every team in the competition qualify for the end-of-year play-offs with the possible exception of the wooden spooners, who would be forced to play a sudden-death eliminator against the premiership-winning Toyota Cup Under 20s side for the coveted 16th place.
It is believed the NRL view such a format as a way to significantly increase gate takings and merchandise revenue by maintaining the interest of fans of all clubs throughout the entire season. However plans for all 16 teams to contest the grand final on one field at the same time have been scrapped due to unidentified logistical problems.
The informant confirms that although the current controversial McIntyre finals system would need to be altered, fans may hardly notice the subtle transition. The only real differences would be the addition of extra teams, extra matches, extra weeks and extra flaws.
Any concerns top teams might have about the lack of benefits of finishing high on the regular season ladder will be allayed by the reward of playing all their finals matches at their home ground, as long as their home ground is ANZ Stadium.
It is unclear at this stage whether or not all clubs would be in favour of the new format. A spokesperson for the Wests Tigers, however, was quick to guarantee that the struggling club would absolutely support anything that allowed them to break their potentially never-ending finals hiatus.
A source close to the NRL has revealed to The Blind Mole that the wheels are in motion for a proposed 16-team finals series in the 2010 NRL season. The radical move would see every team in the competition qualify for the end-of-year play-offs with the possible exception of the wooden spooners, who would be forced to play a sudden-death eliminator against the premiership-winning Toyota Cup Under 20s side for the coveted 16th place.
It is believed the NRL view such a format as a way to significantly increase gate takings and merchandise revenue by maintaining the interest of fans of all clubs throughout the entire season. However plans for all 16 teams to contest the grand final on one field at the same time have been scrapped due to unidentified logistical problems.
The informant confirms that although the current controversial McIntyre finals system would need to be altered, fans may hardly notice the subtle transition. The only real differences would be the addition of extra teams, extra matches, extra weeks and extra flaws.
Any concerns top teams might have about the lack of benefits of finishing high on the regular season ladder will be allayed by the reward of playing all their finals matches at their home ground, as long as their home ground is ANZ Stadium.
It is unclear at this stage whether or not all clubs would be in favour of the new format. A spokesperson for the Wests Tigers, however, was quick to guarantee that the struggling club would absolutely support anything that allowed them to break their potentially never-ending finals hiatus.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Round 18 Special Guest Preview: GORDON RAMSAY
This week's guest previewer is celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. Last week's writer Michael Jackson hasn't returned our calls...
Rabbitohs v Panthers:
You Rabbitohs are a ****ing joke! Get off your backsides and put in some ****ing effort you lazy ****ing pathetic ****ers. **** off.
Panthers by 700.
Knights v Raiders:
Did you know I used to play professional football before I became an international cooking and reality TV superstar? That’s proper football, not this s*** rugby nonsense. I was a great player because I’m ****ing great at everything I do. Fans would shout ‘hot cross, buns’ at me every match – not because I make them so well (even though I do), but because I was a winger that could always put in a hot cross and I have ****ing amazing buns of steel. My whole body is like steel. I could’ve been a Knight OR a Raider I’m that ****ing hardcore.
Ramsay 1 Knights 0 Raiders 0
Warriors v Bulldogs:
Warriors? Bull****. They couldn’t cut up a ****ing onion without crying, let alone cut up a defensive unit as tough as the Dogs’. If Steve Price was a real man (like me) he’d play for his old team the Bulldogs, his new team the Warriors, and his State of Origin team all in the same week. What the **** are Queensland and New South Wales? My state of origin was Cranky and I haven’t changed in 40 odd years.
I tip Warriors… to ****ing lose!
Dragons v Sea Eagles:
These teams are nearly as amazing as I am. Just ask Tracy Grimshaw. They are so ****ing good they will meet again in the grand final. Think I’m exaggerating? I don’t ****ing exaggerate. Ever. This will not only be the game of the season but the greatest event in the history of ****ing history itself. Apart from my new show, that is.
Sea Eagles by a dash of salt.
Titans v Eels:
Sprinkle the lemon juice and mixed herbs onto the pan-fried eel. Eels must be cooked thoroughly. Titans will be hungry and the eels will go down nicely.
Done.
Rabbitohs v Panthers:
You Rabbitohs are a ****ing joke! Get off your backsides and put in some ****ing effort you lazy ****ing pathetic ****ers. **** off.
Panthers by 700.
Knights v Raiders:
Did you know I used to play professional football before I became an international cooking and reality TV superstar? That’s proper football, not this s*** rugby nonsense. I was a great player because I’m ****ing great at everything I do. Fans would shout ‘hot cross, buns’ at me every match – not because I make them so well (even though I do), but because I was a winger that could always put in a hot cross and I have ****ing amazing buns of steel. My whole body is like steel. I could’ve been a Knight OR a Raider I’m that ****ing hardcore.
Ramsay 1 Knights 0 Raiders 0
Warriors v Bulldogs:
Warriors? Bull****. They couldn’t cut up a ****ing onion without crying, let alone cut up a defensive unit as tough as the Dogs’. If Steve Price was a real man (like me) he’d play for his old team the Bulldogs, his new team the Warriors, and his State of Origin team all in the same week. What the **** are Queensland and New South Wales? My state of origin was Cranky and I haven’t changed in 40 odd years.
I tip Warriors… to ****ing lose!
Dragons v Sea Eagles:
These teams are nearly as amazing as I am. Just ask Tracy Grimshaw. They are so ****ing good they will meet again in the grand final. Think I’m exaggerating? I don’t ****ing exaggerate. Ever. This will not only be the game of the season but the greatest event in the history of ****ing history itself. Apart from my new show, that is.
Sea Eagles by a dash of salt.
Titans v Eels:
Sprinkle the lemon juice and mixed herbs onto the pan-fried eel. Eels must be cooked thoroughly. Titans will be hungry and the eels will go down nicely.
Done.
Monday, July 6, 2009
The Weekend Wind-Up - Round 17
It was a weekend feast, but not the type that pricks the ears and tingles the taste buds of Josh Perry or Danny Wicks. There were no doughnuts in sight. Especially not on the scoreboards where it was all big numbers and high scoring matches courtesy of an avalanche of soft tries.
On average there were 51 points scored per game. Effective tackles were as hard to find as a former league winger in a Wallabies' jersey.
Contributing significantly to the stats was the Rabbitohs' 'effort' against the Tigers. Gordon Tallis is coaching the forwards at Redfern these days and he's clearly managed to turn things around – they used to be good, and now they're not. In Souths' defence though... well there was none to be honest.
The Panthers and Eels traded tries for eighty minutes in a game of anything-you-can-do-we-can-do-better... until you do it better again... and then we do it better.. and then you... and then us... and then you again... and then... the game's over? Oh well you win.
In a weekend that saw 63 tries scored the Sharks came up with one of them against the Cowboys; coincidentally the same number of players they had sacked for an alcohol-related misdemeanour. To be fair, this ratio was a slight improvement on some earlier times in the year.
In Melbourne the Knights couldn't come up with a victory over the Storm despite having approximately 100 per cent of the possession and field position. If the southerners ever had the ball I must've been blinking. Surely only the rain concealed the Newcastle players' tears at the end of this one.
The Raiders held on to beat the Titans, though if the game had lasted five more minutes the Gold Coast boys might have won by 13+ at the margins. The Blues' selectors look set to continue the 'one Raider at a time' policy by picking Learoyd-Lahrs and dropping Monaghan after the latter replaced Campese in game two. Next year should see Tongue get his chance before being inevitably dropped with Monaghan and Campese earning recalls... only to be dropped.
On Friday night the Roosters got back into the swing of things with another loss against the Dragons. Of course, the fact that they got thrashed, stayed rooted to the bottom rung of the ladder, and were confirmed as the worst performing bunch of rep players in the game's history wasn't great news, but the fact that they had to witness a Wendell Sailor try celebration really was the straw that broke the camel's back.
The Broncos had a good win over the Warriors due to the game not being played in New Zealand. Lillyman's arm and Ropati's head showed that secret rendezvous' with internet lady friends is not the only thing capable of dazzling big Joel Clinton. And Tonie Carroll made a successful comeback at the ripe old age of really bloody old. Pick him and Sailor for Origin III and bring back Alfie – give the Blues a chance.
On average there were 51 points scored per game. Effective tackles were as hard to find as a former league winger in a Wallabies' jersey.
Contributing significantly to the stats was the Rabbitohs' 'effort' against the Tigers. Gordon Tallis is coaching the forwards at Redfern these days and he's clearly managed to turn things around – they used to be good, and now they're not. In Souths' defence though... well there was none to be honest.
The Panthers and Eels traded tries for eighty minutes in a game of anything-you-can-do-we-can-do-better... until you do it better again... and then we do it better.. and then you... and then us... and then you again... and then... the game's over? Oh well you win.
In a weekend that saw 63 tries scored the Sharks came up with one of them against the Cowboys; coincidentally the same number of players they had sacked for an alcohol-related misdemeanour. To be fair, this ratio was a slight improvement on some earlier times in the year.
In Melbourne the Knights couldn't come up with a victory over the Storm despite having approximately 100 per cent of the possession and field position. If the southerners ever had the ball I must've been blinking. Surely only the rain concealed the Newcastle players' tears at the end of this one.
The Raiders held on to beat the Titans, though if the game had lasted five more minutes the Gold Coast boys might have won by 13+ at the margins. The Blues' selectors look set to continue the 'one Raider at a time' policy by picking Learoyd-Lahrs and dropping Monaghan after the latter replaced Campese in game two. Next year should see Tongue get his chance before being inevitably dropped with Monaghan and Campese earning recalls... only to be dropped.
On Friday night the Roosters got back into the swing of things with another loss against the Dragons. Of course, the fact that they got thrashed, stayed rooted to the bottom rung of the ladder, and were confirmed as the worst performing bunch of rep players in the game's history wasn't great news, but the fact that they had to witness a Wendell Sailor try celebration really was the straw that broke the camel's back.
The Broncos had a good win over the Warriors due to the game not being played in New Zealand. Lillyman's arm and Ropati's head showed that secret rendezvous' with internet lady friends is not the only thing capable of dazzling big Joel Clinton. And Tonie Carroll made a successful comeback at the ripe old age of really bloody old. Pick him and Sailor for Origin III and bring back Alfie – give the Blues a chance.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Round 17 Special Guest Preview: MICHAEL JACKSON
Written just minutes before his death, this will sadly be the King of Pop's last ever NRL preview...
Broncos v Warriors:
King Wally Lewis will probably be at this game so - as the undisputed King of Pop - I don’t want to turn up and steal his thunder. It could get ugly. Otherwise I was going to come along and check out wonderful little Stacey Jones. He’s small enough to be a child and I’ve heard he’s pretty much defenseless. Broncos by 10.
Dragons v Roosters:
This will be the biggest upset since my last marriage ended. Roosters by 13 (which is coincidentally both the number of Grammy Awards I’ve won and how many number one singles I’ve had. I’m amazing.)
Rabbitohs v Tigers:
They know they’re bad, they’re bad, they know it, yeah. I love a good charity case, but these teams aren’t worth the effort. Both squads need a facelift. Especially the Tigers – their outfits are way too black. Nil – Nil Draw.
Storm v Knights:
Billy Slater is… not my lover. He’s just a fullback, who claims that he’s number one!
But the kid is not my son. He says he’s number one, but the kid is not my son.
Billy will have a shocker. Knights to weather the Storm and win. (See how I made a pun? People think I’m weird but I’m actually very intelligent.)
Cowboys v Sharks:
I was honoured to hear that the Sharks had changed their team song to Smooth Criminal.
I’m afraid they won’t be singing it this weekend, though. The Cowboys will be too classy, both on and off the field.
Raiders v Titans:
Bailey and Minichiello are still injured for the Titans. I recommend taking painkillers – they really make you feel alive. Prince is hopeless. I’m the King of Pop and all my songs are better than his. Raiders easily.
Panthers v Eels:
There are some good young kids in both teams like Sammut, Graham, Walsh, Mortimer, and Keating. They are all so cute and innocent… I mean talented.
Overall the Panthers are younger, and therefore better. Penrith by an 8 year old… I mean Penrith by 8.
Sea Eagles v Bulldogs:
This will be a thriller – though not as much as my 1982 album of the same name, of course. That was seriously good. You should buy a copy. Well you probably already have one. Most people own six. I can’t pick a winner here and I have to take my medication now so… err, wait a second… okay… Sea Dogs to beat Bulleagles by 1.
Broncos v Warriors:
King Wally Lewis will probably be at this game so - as the undisputed King of Pop - I don’t want to turn up and steal his thunder. It could get ugly. Otherwise I was going to come along and check out wonderful little Stacey Jones. He’s small enough to be a child and I’ve heard he’s pretty much defenseless. Broncos by 10.
Dragons v Roosters:
This will be the biggest upset since my last marriage ended. Roosters by 13 (which is coincidentally both the number of Grammy Awards I’ve won and how many number one singles I’ve had. I’m amazing.)
Rabbitohs v Tigers:
They know they’re bad, they’re bad, they know it, yeah. I love a good charity case, but these teams aren’t worth the effort. Both squads need a facelift. Especially the Tigers – their outfits are way too black. Nil – Nil Draw.
Storm v Knights:
Billy Slater is… not my lover. He’s just a fullback, who claims that he’s number one!
But the kid is not my son. He says he’s number one, but the kid is not my son.
Billy will have a shocker. Knights to weather the Storm and win. (See how I made a pun? People think I’m weird but I’m actually very intelligent.)
Cowboys v Sharks:
I was honoured to hear that the Sharks had changed their team song to Smooth Criminal.
I’m afraid they won’t be singing it this weekend, though. The Cowboys will be too classy, both on and off the field.
Raiders v Titans:
Bailey and Minichiello are still injured for the Titans. I recommend taking painkillers – they really make you feel alive. Prince is hopeless. I’m the King of Pop and all my songs are better than his. Raiders easily.
Panthers v Eels:
There are some good young kids in both teams like Sammut, Graham, Walsh, Mortimer, and Keating. They are all so cute and innocent… I mean talented.
Overall the Panthers are younger, and therefore better. Penrith by an 8 year old… I mean Penrith by 8.
Sea Eagles v Bulldogs:
This will be a thriller – though not as much as my 1982 album of the same name, of course. That was seriously good. You should buy a copy. Well you probably already have one. Most people own six. I can’t pick a winner here and I have to take my medication now so… err, wait a second… okay… Sea Dogs to beat Bulleagles by 1.
Monday, June 29, 2009
We all need Dr. Phil
Across the state, across the country, across the world, people are begging for Phil Gould to return as coach and saviour of the NSW Blues next year. Well between Albury and Townsville they are anyway. NSW needs him. State of Origin needs him. Rugby league needs him. That’s an awful lot of insecure neediness floating around. Come on ‘Gus’, won’t you be our Dr. Phil and save us from our plight?
But even if he was to heed the call, would it be enough? Could a ‘Gus’ coached Blues side restore the passion and intensity of this once great annual series? I believe the answer is yes. My only reservation is that handing over the reigns to the restrictive role of coach alone, and expecting miracles, just may not suffice.
Gould must be instated as coach, manager, trainer, water boy, masseur, bus driver, tracksuit manufacturer, and anything else he wants. It’s the only way. Things can’t end there however. For this radical proposal to work it must be embraced wholeheartedly on every level. Appoint ‘Gus’ as the referee, video referee, and linesman. His one-off experience at the latter is an added bonus.
Let him sing the national anthem, captain both sides and run around with a microphone in his collar commentating the whole shebang. And even with his hands in all those pies (wait, let him sell the pies too) surely League’s biggest personality could somehow still find time to sit back, relax and enjoy the game amongst fellow fans in the grandstand. Who dares suggest that he couldn’t?
But even if he was to heed the call, would it be enough? Could a ‘Gus’ coached Blues side restore the passion and intensity of this once great annual series? I believe the answer is yes. My only reservation is that handing over the reigns to the restrictive role of coach alone, and expecting miracles, just may not suffice.
Gould must be instated as coach, manager, trainer, water boy, masseur, bus driver, tracksuit manufacturer, and anything else he wants. It’s the only way. Things can’t end there however. For this radical proposal to work it must be embraced wholeheartedly on every level. Appoint ‘Gus’ as the referee, video referee, and linesman. His one-off experience at the latter is an added bonus.
Let him sing the national anthem, captain both sides and run around with a microphone in his collar commentating the whole shebang. And even with his hands in all those pies (wait, let him sell the pies too) surely League’s biggest personality could somehow still find time to sit back, relax and enjoy the game amongst fellow fans in the grandstand. Who dares suggest that he couldn’t?
How long will the 'future' last?
So the Blues selectors are claiming they ‘picked the right team’ for Origin II. New South Wales fans should be breathing a sigh of relief I suppose. Imagine if they had picked the wrong team! It might have been even more embarrassing than it actually was. Then again perhaps not, considering the bemusing, bumbling performance rivaled Mal Meninga’s political career on the embarrass-o-meter.
At least this shows the selectors must be planning to stand by their squad and give them a second chance. Or will it be a third chance? I remember hearing a rather similar sentiment of loyalty emanating from the Blues camp after the first match. And yet I couldn’t spot Terry Campese or Anthony Laffranchi anywhere the other night.
‘I still think this is the team for the future,’ Selector Geoff Gerard said after the series loss. And they will be. At least for the next few weeks. Unfortunately for some players the ‘future’ he was talking about will likely be replaced by a future ‘future’ – one in which two or three scapegoats are sacrificed and replaced by a fresh new breed of soon-to-be-scapegoats-after-yet-another-loss. If State of Origin was played every week the Blues would be fielding a bunch of under 16s by the end of the year. And some time after that Brett Kimmorley might get a run.
Pretty soon the so-called blacklist will be longer than the list of players leftover. What a waste of paper. For now though Queenslanders will continue to delight in the capitulation of their southern counterparts. Indeed listening to the Blues selectors squirm around issues of the ‘future’ is about as inspiring as Darren Lockyer giving a speech with a sore throat.
At least this shows the selectors must be planning to stand by their squad and give them a second chance. Or will it be a third chance? I remember hearing a rather similar sentiment of loyalty emanating from the Blues camp after the first match. And yet I couldn’t spot Terry Campese or Anthony Laffranchi anywhere the other night.
‘I still think this is the team for the future,’ Selector Geoff Gerard said after the series loss. And they will be. At least for the next few weeks. Unfortunately for some players the ‘future’ he was talking about will likely be replaced by a future ‘future’ – one in which two or three scapegoats are sacrificed and replaced by a fresh new breed of soon-to-be-scapegoats-after-yet-another-loss. If State of Origin was played every week the Blues would be fielding a bunch of under 16s by the end of the year. And some time after that Brett Kimmorley might get a run.
Pretty soon the so-called blacklist will be longer than the list of players leftover. What a waste of paper. For now though Queenslanders will continue to delight in the capitulation of their southern counterparts. Indeed listening to the Blues selectors squirm around issues of the ‘future’ is about as inspiring as Darren Lockyer giving a speech with a sore throat.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)