NRL Finals Week 3 Guest Preview: HULK HOGAN

This week's special guest previewer is American actor and semi-retired professional wrestler HULK HOGAN.

Last week's writer KYLE SANDILANDS has been stood down after abusing League Larrikin for no apparent reason.

Bulldogs v Eels:
I gotta be honest with ya dudes, I don't really know much more about this rugby league than I do about knitting cardigans. Tell you the truth I don't even know the difference between a cardigan and a sweater.

But I do know one thing, and that's that either the Bulldogs or Eels are definitely going to win this game. I'm 99.9% sure of it. (I asked those guys on the Footy Show, but I'm not totally convinced they weren't pulling my leg. People often pull my leg - physically and figuratively - and I tend not to notice either.)

Anyway if I had to make a decision (which apparently I do) I'd go for Bulldogs because they got the better name. It's all about the name. And the moustache, that's pretty important too.

Storm v Broncos:
I'm going for the Brisbane Broncos. They probably won't win, but I'm going for them anyway since me and old TC (Tonie Carroll to the general non-famous public like yourselves) go waaaaaay back. Man, The Chin and I used to hang together back in the 50s before either of us hit the big time.

Tell ya what, he coulda been quite a wrestler that guy. He had everything going for him - the personality, the attitude, the biceps, the tights, the moustache... everything.

The tragedy was, he just couldn't settle on a stage name. He kept changing his mind. The fans never really identified with him, and if you don't got the fans you don't got nothin.

Well that's about it from me. I got about 150 more bull**** special guest cross-promotion gigs to get through talkin about stuff I don't understand with people I've never heard of. Like that Fatty Vautin. Damn that's an ordinary name.

NRL Finals Week 2 Guest Preview: KYLE SANDILANDS

This week's special guest previewer is radio and TV personality (and giant goose) KYLE SANDILANDS.

Eels v Titans:
Oooh Jarryd Hayne, Jarryd Hayne, aren't you just so damn bloody amazing? NO. You're crap. So you've fluked about 12 man-of-the-match awards in a row - big deal! Anybody could do it if they got a bit lucky.

Have you seen some of the jokers to win Australian Idol? You're like them. The public love you but I can see the truth. The truth is that you are an insecure hack who will never make it in this industry. You can't play. You have the personality of a kicking tee. Your fashion sense is hilarious... blue and gold together, what are you thinking?

And you can't even sing or dance. Do you realise that compared to me you have absolutely no talent whatsoever? I am good at everything, including stuff you might not have guessed like the Rubik's Cube. I can't actually finish it, but I can get really close. Once I even had a whole side just one colour.

One day I think I might buy a footy team and get them to win the NRL premiership. I can totally afford it. They would be called the Kyle Sandilands and their team mascot would be my face. I wouldn't let Jarryd Hayne play for the Sandilands even if he begged me and offered to do it for free. Which he probably would.

I'm tipping an upset: Titans to win. Hayne will be the worst player on the field. I dare anyone to call my radio show and disagree with me. Unless I'm suspended. But don't call my house or come near my house or talk about my house, or I'll break your legs.


Broncos v Dragons:
You choking, fat, pathetic, jelly belly, talentless, overrated, embarrassing, ugly, annoying, scummy, wannabe Dragon losers! Yeah you heard me. You're a joke. My left nipple is mentally stronger than you lot of pretenders.

Seriously why do you even bother turning up to finals matches when you've got about as much chance of winning as I have of people liking me. Save us all the trouble and stay at home... wherever home is you lonely, nomadic, dirty, hippie drifters who can't even decide if you're from St.George or Illawarra. Which is it? That's just plain disrespectful to your childhood and your own mamas. You ***holes. Choke away you greedy fools.

Broncos by 50... at half-time. Somewhere between 120 and 170 by full-time. What do you have to say about that Darius Boyd? Yeah not much you childish little mute.
And Wayne Bennett is older than my great grandmother. Just plod along to an old person's home pops.

Anyway you're all lucky I'm in such a good mood today, otherwise I might've let loose and told you what I really think. I'm outta here. Get stuffed.

NRL Finals Week 1 Guest Preview: MICHELLE THE ENGLISH HOUSEMATE

This week's special guest previewer is League Larrikin's English housemate Michelle, who has had no choice but to learn about and accept Rugby League into her heart this year as very little else is permitted on the household television.

Last week's writer SUPERMAN (score 6/8 tips) quit after the shock of not tipping the perfect round and went off sulking to the pub.

Storm v Sea Eagles:
I know a lot of people hate these two teams but I love them. I love Rugby League! I had never even seen a game until this year. To be honest I don't even care about sports. But somehow the NRL has become more important to me than a cup of tea or cheese and beans on toast. I'm serious.
I'm tipping a low scoring match. Storm to win.

Titans v Broncos:
So Lockyer is supposed to be one of the best players ever? Pffft. Honestly he looks older and slower than my grandpa. It must be difficult for him to play in the constantly roasting Queensland sun. Poor man. And the humidity seems to affect his vocal chords as well. I have to say that I pity him, really. I don't know much about Peter Wallace but I assume from the pale complexion and ginger hair that he's an English import?
Titans to win, but not just because they're better looking. Although to be fair they really are far, far better looking.

Bulldogs v Knights:
Brett Mikkorley is my favourite. He's so cute how he runs around all grumpy and animated on the field, then presents himself so immaculately on television. I'm going to see this match live and I'm truly devastated he won't be playing. Even his black, puffy eye is adorable.
Without little Mikkorley the only Dog with a chance of scoring is the Mad Dog!
Knights by 16. I can smell an upset... oh wait, perhaps it's just League Larrikin burning the potatoes again.

Dragons v Eels:
Re-match time! If there's one thing I've learnt about the NRL it's that you have to expect the unexpected. Apart from the referees - I always expect them to be rubbish and they are in fact always rubbish. In this match, though, anything could happen. The Dragons were too good for the Eels last week but that's about as significant as a speech by the Queen.
I expect Hayne and the Parra boys to fight back and win.

So in conclusion I believe the Broncos and Sea Eagles will be eliminated this weekend. Call me crazy, call me a Pom, call me a naive girl who doesn't know anything about Rugby League... call me whatever you like. But you just wait and see what happens. My tips are always right. It's beginner's luck. Trust me.
(Sorry in advance if I'm wrong.)

Oh and did I mention I hate Jonathan Thurston and his silly hat? That probably doesn't matter at this stage, but I just thought you should know.

Round 26 NRL Guest Preview: SUPERMAN

This week's special guest previewer is the legendary superhero SUPERMAN!

Last week's writer DARIUS BOYD was banned from returning by his coach Wayne Bennett, apparently because he said too much.

Dragons v Eels:
Jarryd Hayne is NOT Superman. I am Superman!!! Why do people keep getting us confused? So the dude is unstoppable. Big Deal. When was the last time anyone saw him fly for more than 2 seconds? Exactly.
And who the heck is this Weyman? I know a lot of the cool 'Man' names like me and Spider and Bat etc have already been taken but seriously can't he come up with something better than Weyman? Wey isn't even an animal or anything. Superheroes are so unimaginative these days...
Eels by 7.

Tigers v Bulldogs:
Bulldogs without Kimmorley are as dangerous as a bad guy without Kryptonite.
Tigers to win. (By the way whilst writing these previews I've also just stopped a derailed train, beaten up some wacko criminal with a quirky talent and witty personality, and rescued a kitten from a tree. What have you done for society?)

Warriors Storm:
Every hero needs an alias - a real-life persona that people aren't curious about. But I'm afraid Billy Slater's is rubbish. He is quite obviously a geeky teenage boy until he puts on that Storm Man costume.
Still, it's one thing knowing who he is, and another thing entirely trying to stop him. Warriors don't have a chance.

Sea Eagles v Titans:
My girl Lois says she fancies Matt Orford. I always thought she just liked tall, dark, handsome types... I'm not jealous though - if that little muppet lays one hand on her I'm going to crush him with my bare hands like he's made out of metal. You know I can.
Smash him Titans. Smash them all. Titans by 4.6 million.

Sharks v Rabbitohs:
Want to know how I get changed so quickly?
Bad luck it's a secret.
Want to know who's going to win this game?
Rabbitohs. Not that you really needed me to tell you that.

Roosters v Cowboys:
This match will be more boring than a pub crawl in Smallville.
I pick Cowboys, but I don't even want to be told what happens.

Knights v Panthers:
It's a shame the Knights don't wear the traditional red and blue these days. A man looks good in tight red and blue. Much better than all black that's for sure. Those Panthers are just a bunch of Batman wannabes. Pathetic.
34-32 to the Knights.

Broncos v Raiders:
The Raider's bright green uniforms scare me to be honest. I'm staying well away from this match.
Broncos by anything except 56-0. Okay gotta run... I mean fly. Later.